The Man I Thought You Were by Leah Mercer

Author:Leah Mercer [Mercer, Leah]
Language: eng
Format: epub, mobi
ISBN: 9781503943223
Publisher: Lake Union Publishing
Published: 2017-07-24T18:30:00+00:00

CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

Anna

If I was desperate to find Mark before, now I feel like every cell of my body is on fire. I long to throw my arms around him – to tell him I want to be there for him and to let him know about this child growing inside me. I choke down food when I remember to, telling myself the baby needs it. I swallow awful prenatal vitamins and try to rest, but I barely sleep. My brain won’t let me, envisioning again and again the moment we track down my husband. Because just knowing where he is – or at least where he’s receiving treatment – means that the moment is imminent. It has to be, because I’d rather pluck out my eyeballs with hot tongs than wait any longer.

Will Mark be surprised to see me, I wonder? He must have known I would try to find him. What will he say when he finds out I know about Margo? I bite my lip remembering the times he’d retreat into himself, and my insides go all shivery as fear plunges through me. He’ll be relieved, I know, I reassure myself. He will let me in this time. He won’t push me away.

Not with the baby, I think, hope lifting me up again. Not with our child. I smile, picturing his shock and surprise morphing into happiness and joy as he takes me in his arms and holds me tightly . . . but then I wonder if he can even take me in his arms. Will he be so weak with the illness beating him down? Not yet, surely. It’s only been a matter of weeks, and Richard seemed to think he’d be all right.

But what if – I swallow hard as fear rises up again. What if Mark is very ill? What if he doesn’t even live long enough to see the baby? Or what if he dies when our child is so young . . . too young to even remember their father?

No. I shake my head, as if I can dislodge the doubt and worry ricocheting inside me. Mark will recover. We’ll have a wonderful baby. And together, we will be a family.

Around and around my thoughts spin, on a merry-go-round that morphs from darkness to light with the flick of a switch. The dark circles under my eyes deepen, spots take up residence on my chin and my hair is greasy and lank. But I don’t care about how I look. All I care about is keeping this baby healthy and finding Mark.

Sophie and Richard are just as anxious to locate him, and although there’s not much left to say, it’s good to have their company as we take up residence in the cafe across from the cancer centre’s entrance (thank God there’s somewhere to sit and wait – I’d crouch in the cold if I had to, but having fresh coffee on hand is so much better).

In the week we’ve been watching for Mark, we’ve developed a daily routine.

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